Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Playlist: Middle School Slow Jam Flashback Edition

Maybe it was the visit home last week for Thanksgiving, and the resulting trip down memory lane, but today I'm in the mood for some good R&B slow jams. And arguably, the years I spent in 6th - 12th grade were the renaissance for amazing slow jams. They just don't make music like this anymore. Maybe the reason I don't listen to the radio anymore is because of the sad lack of slow jams. "112" Pandora Station for the win, y'all.

I'm inspired to put together a playlist of my favorite middle/high school slow jams to fully induce you into a flashback to awkward cafeteria slow dances, hoping you'll get asked to dance. If you were like me, the only people that would ask you were your Homecoming Queen sister's guy friends who were probably just trying to get on her good side by being nice to the little sister. All the boys smelled like "Tommy" cologne (side note: I still love the smell of this) and were wearing their shiniest Jordans. I was still wearing basketball shorts to school and doc martin 8-hole boots to the fancy cotillion dance. Ahh, the awkward years (ages 11 - 19). 

Commence flashback!

1. Cupid - 112: To this day, I cannot shake the association between this song and watching the first guy I ever liked dance with one of my best friends, soon to become his girlfriend. Wah wah, it's not a sad association anymore, but kind of funny to me now, since I strongly believe in not peaking in high school. I mastered that one.

2. Angel of Mine - Monica: I'm pretty sure this was the theme for one of my sister's proms. We like to keep it classy in Sacramento.

Tramp Stamps

I'm pretty sure this was a story line in How I Met Your Mother...

Exercise Inspiration

This woman is magical.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Friday!

Thanksgiving is all about family, so in honor of the holiday, here's one of my favorite movie families doing a sexy dance in celebration of Friday! Happy long weekend everyone!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Neurosis of the Day : Thanksgiving Edition!


 I am a control freak posing as a Sagittarius. On the surface I'm all calm and reason; deep inside its a battle between Shaved Head Britney, and Tracy Flick.

 Side Note:  If blogger had a font named "One Card Short" that was a graphical manifestation of the crazy that happens in my head, I would use it now. (also, often).

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Office Nemesis Field Guide

A Field Guide to Your Office Nemesis. As a consultant I have a rotating series of Office Nemeses, but I call them all the same thing: Sweater Vest. My #1 Nemesis of all time earned a special name that sticks to this day. We called her Das Suit. 

Biscuit's delayed live-tweet of the half marathon she survived

Hey friends! I'm alive! I know you were worried, what with my half marathon on Sunday. Overall, it was a great day. I trained the least for this race of any I've completed before, and yet it was somehow still the easiest to complete. I guess I have to suck it up and admit that those bitchy hills in San Francisco did me a solid and prepared me quite well for those 13 miles.

I really wanted to "live tweet" the whole event, since I usually have a lot of crazy thoughts on my long runs. However, I am stuck in the year 1992 with my Blackberry Curve, so this proved impossible. I was, however live-tweeting the whole thing in my head, and like the dedicated little blogger I am, I jotted notes down when I finished. So here is your 2-day post-race day "live" blog. Side note: I have a hard time with 140 characters, so I'm ignoring that rule.

What we have here in this image is a graphic of my split times grabbed from my nike+ app. I spruced her up with some PowerPoint wizardry to highlight key thoughts from the race. The numbers correspond to comments below.

1. Mile 0.65: I am passed by a 4'9" woman of approximate age 75. Apparently I should not call my running style the "old lady shuffle." It's slower than that.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Oskar is going to make you cry.

Oh, hey. Don't mind me. My eyes are just sweating a little bit. Carry on.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Happy Friday!

This just feels right today. Amiright? Today's Friday Dance comes courtesy of A.C. Slater. Is it just me, or is this the original Dougie?

Hungry Bear: or Holar's HCG Diet Adventure. Day 19 of the Days of Suck

"Oh hey guys. I didn't see you standing there. I'm glad I ran into you too, it's been way too long.

Wait...what?...You've been here the whole time? I've been ignoring you? Oh.

I'm really sorry it's just that my brain has been a little foggy lately."

Yeah...so, it's day 21 of my HCG Diet Adventure, Day 19 of the Days of Suck.  I have good things to report and words of caution. As I stated above in my semi-lucid self conversation, the experience has left me "a little foggy". In order to spare you from the delusional stream of consciousness prose of someone on a lot of stimulants, and almost no calories, I will submit my findings in the form of a list:

1. Not eating is not that difficult with, drumroll please...Phentarmine! (physician prescribed)

2. Phentarmine is Phun! It takes your morning coffee and adds a special kick that you would normally only get from a guy name "Freeway Carl" with a week's worth of lunch money.

3. I lost 22 pounds in 19 days.

4. In my head I look like this:

Greater than the sum of our parts

This is how I feel when I get to hang out with my sister. I feel like we are greater than the sum of our parts. We're cool alone, but we're better when we're together.

We're like Captain Planet, when our powers combine. We're like Voltron. The Power Rangers. Mac and Cheese. Rainbows and Unicorns. Donnie, Danny, Joey, Jordan, and Jonathan. Salt n Pepa.

You get the idea. Sisters are awesome.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Game of Thrones Season 1 Recap

I really love Game of Thrones, but this is hilarious, and also pretty accurate.

I just discovered this Megan Amram person, no idea who she is, maybe I've had my head in the sand - but she is hilarious and I think I love her.

If you're not watching Game of Thrones, get a load of Khal Drogo over there. I think even you boys can agree that he is one hot piece. 

This camel runs a lot like my dog Sweet Dee

Can we talk about how badly I want a camel now?

Real Life Math: Biscuit + Bear

Bear Biscuits

Here's the recipe, it has 5 stars. I bet we are a delicious combination.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

@humblebrag: My Favorite Twitter Feed

We're new to twitter (obviously, follow us @Ladies_bits), and we still aren't really sure how it works. Is it correct usage of the verb to say, we "tweeted at" someone? Sounds kind of aggressive. And our mother had to explain to us what a "hash tag" was, so as you can see, we're slightly behind the times. 

The genius "who to follow" feature suggested to me that I follow @humblebrag, and I thought, "what's a humble brag?" I clicked follow, and man, how have I not been using this term? Am I already this unhip?

You remember when I was bitching about the braggy, narcissistic posts over on facebook? Humblebrag is the word for what these people are doing! And the @humblebrag twitter feed (is that what we call it?) is some awesome person re-tweeting humblebrags from around the twuniverse (tweetiverse?). Stuff like:

"Being the "she" in gorgeous songs blows my mind."


"Just got approached by someone in mcdonalds, they asked if I was Ryan Gosling, I said no, they looked very disappointed, shrugged and left"

I wonder if I can make submissions.


A few months ago we took George Michael the mystery mutt and Sweet Dee the monster boxer to the dog park and we met a dog that was the exact hybrid of the two. Prepare to have your mind blown:

So you need to stop crying

I can't wait to see what this post does for our Ad Sense ad content. My favorites so far have been for Panamanian Mail Order Brides, Rehab, and Bipolar Disorder treatment.

On a somewhat related note, did you know that when you have a blog you can see in your stats which search terms have been used to find your content? We have some amazing googlers out there. The best search terms include: "starving bear," "Mindy Kaling Big Booty," "Beezy Bear,"  "Puppies and bacon," and "slutty Disney princesses." These make me feel proud, as if we are really reaching our target audience. And I want to know what these people are really searching for. Do they love what they accidentally find? I hope so.

One group that I know is disappointed is the large group from the UK that find us by searching for "Ladies Bits." Somehow I think that they are searching for more vagina and less snarky commentary.

ANYWAY, focus Biscuit, FOCUS. Here I'm going to provide a list of things that never fail to help me stop crying. Given that I am often held hostage to my powerful emotions, I have discovered a few things that it is absolutely impossible for me to cry through. These are like weapons in my fight to maintain my reputation as a sane, mature human being. Keep this content handy when you're going through a breakup, having a really horrible day/week/month, or, based on what I've seen in the movies, for the last 4 months of your pregnancy. Here we go:

1. Listen to Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves on repeat. It is biologically impossible to cry while this song is playing. I discovered this in high school, and it has held true right into the long days of wearing business pants. Something about the beat and the gratingly upbeat chorus immediately dries your tear ducts and numbs your brain.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Fake Anything: Real Awesome

I'm really not feeling creative or original this week (I'm going to blame the impending head cold that I'm trying to ignore), so I'll just link to other people's funny ideas. This is my favorite blog find in a long time: Fake Anything. Fake ads for goods, products, and services that have been the fodder for your inside jokes for years.

I wish this hot ham water was real, and Jon Hamm was the spokesperson.

Ladies love Paul Newman

Paul shirtless with a dog (you're welcome)
I love Paul Newman. So much. This article makes me love him even more.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Listening to us: SNL

Methinks the SNL writers are reading Ladies Bits! Look at these business ladies eating and crying and listening to Someone Like You.

Then read Holar Beezie's original exposé on this subject matter.

The Hunger Games trailer is awesome.

It's Monday again, why does this keep happening?

Anyway, I'm pretty excited this morning because the Hunger Games trailer is out and it looks AMAZING. Go read these books, then let's make plans to see the movie together in March!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Inspirational Parenting Part 2

Stop playing with that child's emotions and just keep blasting Biggie forever!

Happy Friday!

BIG DAY her at Ladies Bits headquarters (my couch)! We received our first Friday dance submission. This lovely lady was clearly inspired by our #1 Lady Crush Melissa McCarthy with this sexy dance. Enjoy!

Hurricane Biscuit's new theory on feelings

It should be known that I'm pretty sure I gave myself carpel-tunnel creating this image
I have a new theory on feelings. And more specifically, the way I (we?) release panicky, sad, and negative feelings - those we learn to hide from most people, lest we be sad drama queens or Negative Nancys.

I should back up and admit that I have always been a very emotional person, so I spend a lot of time self diagnosing and analyzing. As a child, before I grew my tough exoskeleton of reality checks and raging cynicism, I was known to cry upon sight of a homeless person, or fall into deep, dark funks for no reason at all. As a kid you don’t know how to deal with all the feelings tumbling around inside of you, like rabid ferrets in a skin and bones bag. I am not sure if I have always had more rabid ferrets, or if I have always been worse at dealing with them than others.

In college my best friend lovingly bestowed upon me the nickname “Hurricane Biscuit.” In some way, Fluff must enjoy being a source of strength for me, because she has stuck through some of my craziest shit storms and been a huge rock in my life. I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-PMDD medications (mood altering birth control) at various periods my life. They helped, but like any flawed experiment, I took them at a time when other variables were not held constant. I was growing up, learning to deal with my feelings, and generally becoming a grown-ass-woman.

Over the past couple of years, shit has gotten REAL. I guess that comes with growing up. I worked in job I loathed with my very being for far too long. BF and I managed to clean out a 2-unit house with 10 years of family crap amassed, sell it in the worst possible economy, and orchestrate and execute a move to a new city, all while I started a new job. We are, for the time being, a 1.5 income family in one of the most expensive places on earth. I think they say that moving and starting a new job are akin to the death of a family member in terms of stress levels? I don’t know if I’d go that far, but I can say that the past two years have absolutely been the most difficult of my life. Not bad, but difficult.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Hometown Shame: Of Course this Kid is from Sacramento

"He grew up in the Sacramento area and attended a private Christian school until he was kicked out in 8th grade. “I was shy as fuck,” he said. “That’s probably why I am the way I am now. In a way I’ve always wanted my voice heard. All these people wouldn’t give me attention, they blew me off all the time, and now in one month I accomplish more than they have in a year.”

- Hunter Moore, 
Founder of something called "Is Anyone Up?" and subject of the article, "The Man Who Makes Money Publishing Your Nude Pics"

Stuff Skinny Girls Eat: Volume 1

I recently switched from an old-school, highly bureaucratic, public sector-like energy client to working for the IT organization in the headquarters of a global, ubiquitous, famously parodied clothing retailer. We'll call it The Divide. 

Whereas the employees of my former client were comically unfashionable - think kitten sweatshirts, straw hats, and honest-to-god mom jeans - employees at The Divide pull out all the fashion stops at work. There is one lady, who, I swear to jesus, thinks she's Ke$ha. I have seen bare mid-drift in the workplace. It's a whole new world over here.

I really love my project at The Divide, don't get me wrong. People here are young, smart, and there is actual energy in the office. It's great. But one thing that I have noticed, as a cheese loving, big boned-ed normal lady is that on average, ladies here are QUITE thin. Like, average size 4 up in this building.

I have been gathering evidence about how these ladies maintain their figures whilst grabbing food in the on-site cafeteria. While I'm excitedly procuring my breakfast burrito or 2 pound, $16 dollar salad, I have observed that perhaps I eat more than the average (skinny) bear. Thus, I would like to periodically share with you some of most ridiculous purchased meals I see in the Divide Cafeteria.

Today's featured meal: A single piece of bacon.
Yes. A single piece of bacon for breakfast. All I can say is, I would be gnawing on my fingers for nourishment by 10:00 AM.

News to me: Kristen Wiig nose job?

You guys, I'm really upset. Last weekend I was curled up in Grandma's armchair cross stitching and watching an edited for tv airing of Knocked Up on E! (exciting life). I'm sitting there, and funny assistant to the Heigl's boss at E! (in the movie) comes on screen and flawlessly delivers lines like, "We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. You know, by eating less. " 

I'm sitting there in my $8 Target leggings, and I have this realization: "that's motha-fucking Kristen Wiig." I have seen this movie no less than 100 times. Never did it occur to me that this is the same Wiig from Bridesmaids. I'm not a close follower of SNL or its stars but it seems like I should have noticed that this is the same person. I realized something was fishy, so I fired up the laptop, and my suspicions are confirmed. Big time nose job.

She was so pretty before. I mean, she's still gorgeous. But why Kristen, why? You didn't need to do this, and I know there's no turning back, but I like your old nose. It was a real nose. And to me, you barely look like the same person.

I'll steer clear of a big body image discussion, but it does make me sad that this. one of the most awesome of awesome ladies, felt it necessary to so drastically change her face.

Apparently this is old news, from like, 2008. But it's totally new to me, and therefore my shock registered like it happened yesterday. Did you all know that this was the same person?

P.S. Holar Bear and I solemnly swear that we will not change our faces when we are discovered.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Facebook Tricksters: I knew it!

She makes those Queen Latifah hoops look goooood. But not as good as Holar Bear. Seriously though, this lady is awesome. Smoke and mirrors, okay?

The Best of Trader Joe's, According to Biscuit

As a baller on a budget, I have been making weekly trips to Trader Joe's to gather provisions for our home cooking adventures. This is notable, because both grocery shopping and budgeting are new to me, since I traveled on an expense account for four years. So, why Trader Joe’s and not the Andronico’s on the corner? Trader Joe’s is about ¼ the price. I walk out with 4 large bags of groceries and a carrier of wine for $100, which would get me one bag of goods (and no wine) at the corner store. I love Andronico’s, but I can’t afford it right now. Boo.

Due to my frequent visits, I have discovered some awesome products that I wasn’t aware of before, and I wanted to share this stuff with you. Some of them are in-house branded, and some is name brand but half the price I’ve seen in other stores. It’s cheap, good, and you should pick some up on your next Trader Joe’s run.

  1. Epicuro Wines:  My current financial situation has not stopped me from enjoying my weekly ritual of red wine paired with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Bridezillas, and New Girl (formerly: Toddlers and Tiaras, Dance Moms, Four Weddings). If you aren’t watching any of these shows, you definitely should be. BH is by far the best Real Housewives franchise, and the New Girl is surprisingly awesome (titular character’s dream guy is “Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men. And I could be girl Jack Lemmon!”). Trader Joe’s carries about 4 varieties of wines from Epicuro, which are a whopping $4.99 each. I like the one with the blue label (Nero D’Avola) and the one with the gold label (Salice Salentino Riserva) the best. For the record I had to google this wine to figure out the varietal names – I cannot pronounce them and I certainly don’t remember them. They probably won’t win any awards, but they are super drinkable and delicious, and some of the best I’ve found for that price. They also don’t give me headaches like some non-California red wines (anyone know why this happens with a lot of Spanish and Italian wines?). I’m not a wine snob, so if you are maybe you won’t like them, I don’t know, but if you’re looking for some cheap, palatable wine, try these out! 
  2. Sugar Pumpkins: These are super seasonal (and possibly regional?), but at TJ’s they are about ½ the price per pound I saw at my local store. I bought one Sunday and I’m going to make this to share with my friend the Cheese Weasel this week. Mmm, cheesy pumpkin. 

Puppies Wearing Hats Eating Bacon Sharing Facts

Holar Beez has been having a rough couple of weeks, what with the days of suck upon her, and I have been making every  attempt to cheer her up via the internets, since we are are so far apart (and she can't eat cheese).

In honor of the days of suck, I present to my darling HB Puppies Wearing Hats Eating Bacon Sharing Facts. HB loves puppies, hats, bacon, and especially facts. Hope this puts a smile on her (and our 9 loyal readers') face.

Maybe I'm just job averse?

I had this exact conversation a few weeks ago. 
Obviously consulting isn't what I want to be doing, but would I be any happier in a different job? Maybe I just don't like jobs? And given that I have no benefactors on the horizon, taking my job as a cheese enthusiast or a cow poop policy specialist just isn't in the cards. I wouldn't have any money to buy cheese, or you know, pay rent.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

On Blushing: A Lady Rant

I blush. I blush hard and I blush unexpectedly. I blush when I’m embarrassed; I blush when the attention of a group spontaneously shifts to me; I blush when I make presentations; and sometimes I blush for no reason at all (or at least none that I’m consciously aware of). When I exercise, my face takes on the color of a fresh beet. My blushing doesn’t have a cute “blushing bride” or lady-like flush effect. Rather, I look like I am suffering from an intense fever, or sometimes, when it overtakes my chest, I look like I’m breaking out in hives. I have never understood the concept of blush (the cosmetic). Why would you want to add more?

Once, I asked my doctor why I blush, and if I could make it stop. He laughed and said, “You have very fair skin and good blood circulation.” In other words, “You’re screwed.” Yep, I just looked this up on Wikipedia, which I should not have done. “Severe blushing is common in people who suffer social anxiety in which the person experiences extreme and persistent anxiety in social and performance situations.” Sweet, it’s a physical manifestation of my chronic awkwardness! Thanks genetics!

I have two flavors of blush. When I KNOW that I’m embarrassed or uncomfortable – say, when 5 or more pairs of eyes turn to me suddenly in the midst of a conversation or meeting, or when I accidently say something inappropriate, like blurting out “that’s what she said” in a meeting, I can feel the blush. It’s hot and I can feel it washing over me. There’s nothing I can do to stop it, and it’s the worst. I try not to make eye contact, and I try to cover my face with a hair mask.

Inspirational Parenting

funny gifs

Steve Gobs

CEO, Ladies Man, Magician.

Skinny vs. Cheese: Cheese Wins

""She sees a nutritionist, who has measured her body's muscle mass, fat ratio and levels of water retention. He prescribes protein shakes, vitamins and supplements to keep Lima's energy levels up during this training period. Lima drinks a gallon of water a day. For nine days before the show, she will drink only protein shakes - "no solids". The concoctions include powdered egg. Two days before the show, she will abstain from the daily gallon of water, and "just drink normally". Then, 12 hours before the show, she will stop drinking entirely."No liquids at all so you dry out, sometimes you can lose up to eight pounds just from that," she says."It's like they're training for a marathon," says Sophia Neophitou, the British fashion editor who is chief stylist for this year's show.""

This is sad, since this is NOT like training for a marathon... since, you know, you eat solids and carbs before and DURING a marathon, and then you accomplish something truly impressive - running 26 miles. But at the same time, this makes me feel better about myself. It's a hell of a lot more honest then Giselle Bunchen saying she eats whatever she wants (lying liar that lies), and honestly - if this is what it takes to look like these freaks - not interested. What's a life without fresh from the oven sourdough slathered in butter, a big hunk of cheese, and a glass of red? So, thanks for being honest, Adriana Lima. And I bet you'd still be just as gorgeous if you ate a couple of cookies and a sandwich. I'd like you more, that's for sure.

This French bulldog has some sweet moves

Spin move! Hey Horse! Look at my sweet spin move! Now you do it! Wanna play? Spin move!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Today I overheard...

Myself say out loud in a business meeting "OK, just snowballing here, fight club." My ability to maintain the illusion of composure is gone.


A Graphical Representation of the Effect of Incline upon my Self Perception

Click to Enlarge
I'm basically a cheetah when I'm running downhill, but running uphill is soul crushing. So glad I live in San Francisco.

Running and Barfing

13 days until my half marathon, and this is pretty much what I felt like after my 9 mile run yesterday. Along my run, I was passed by 3 people "barefoot running" in Vibram 5 finger frog shoes, and a woman pushing a stroller. The whole barefoot running thing really adds a new level of insult to being passed. It's like, "look at me, I'm faster than you AND I'm doing it without your silly pedestrian foot protection." Got it. You're a natural gazelle. Jerk.

Monday Playlist: Guilty Pleasures

It’s Monday. F Mondays. I had a particularly awesome morning in which I woke up 30 minutes late, looked like a whale in everything I tried on, and left the house with 2 minutes to spare before the last train for 30 minutes would be arriving. While huffing it up the hill to the train stop, I realized that I had not woken up the BF so he could move his car for street cleaning in my haste to catch my train. So I attempted to extract my blackberry from my purse while running like a drunken buffalo up a hill in ill-fitting flats. Needless to say, I launched my blackberry in a slow-mo arc, landing and shattering it directly under the center of a large SUV. I had to crawl on my hands and knees on a street my dogs regularly use as a restroom to retrieve the pieces, and then resume running. Bright side: I somehow caught my train.

Anywho, it’s Monday, and Mondays suck, so I think we all deserve a little guilty pleasure music to ease us into the long week ahead. These are songs that you totally love, but you’re a little embarrassed about. These songs are NOT critically acclaimed, and Mr. Hipster beanie will definitely roll his eyes when you play this on the dive bar jukebox (secretly he dances to these songs in his underwear). For the record, this is my all time favorite kind of music. Sophisticated I am not.

1. Leave (get out), JoJo: This song is the best for singing while cleaning and/or hanging out with your ladies. You need a chorus to back you up with, “leave!”, “now!”, “who!”, “why!” and “waste of time!” This was a pre-gaming (ha, remember when you did that) staple in the Fluff/Biscuit world. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Seriously, nature is terrifying

And this is one of the thousands of reasons I'm terrified by the ocean...

Today I overheard...

myself say "Don't post that picture of me. No one on Facebook knows I'm fat."


The Friday Dance: Dramatic Flare

Happy Friday! In honor of my dog Sweet Dee, who pooped right in front of the evil old woman across the street, who all the while screamed at me as I picked up my dog's poop with a bag (as always), this Friday let's dust off our jazz hands with our favorite kids from Philadelphia.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Bless you, People Magazine

Did you know that People Magazine has a searchable archive of all past issues online now? It's amazing, go there now. I'm reliving my childhood as we speak. My favorite finds so far:

Speaking of Paula Deen: this is the best costume of the year


I really wish I had thought of this.

Tastes Like Feelings: Jello Pretzel Salad

I just found one of my favorite guilty pleasure, mid-western masterpiece dessert recipes of all time posted over on Hello Giggles (lame name, decent website). I'm really excited such a "hip" blog (it's Zoey D's) is giving this amazing Middle American dessert the attention it deserves. I discovered it through my Iowan step-mom. We made one change: frozen strawberries instead of pineapple. Way better. It's like a poor man's strawberry cheesecake, and it tastes exactly like a warm nap or a hug from your mom. In other words, comforting feelings. I think it's one of the first things I ever "cooked" by myself.

HOWEVER, Haylie Duff (yes, that one): When you say, "It should also be noted, this is my mother’s famous recipe. I would love to take the credit but it’s all Mama Duff’s,"you're wrong. I don't know the exact origins of this recipe as my step-mama's was written on an index card, but it was probably from a Jello box, or a Good Housekeeping cookbook. I'm pretty sure this was featured on Paula Deen. The Duffs did not invent this! 

I don't want to talk about the grammatical errors in the post either. We make some of our own over here, but we are poor and have full time jobs we should be attending to. So, maybe skip the intro part and just read the recipe, make me a batch, and bring it over for us to eat on the couch while watching Mean Girls. I'll give you wine and we'll wear sweatpants. It's going to be amaaaazing.

Child Bride Train Wreck

I guess I'm a little embarrassed that I'm obsessed with the train-wreck that is child bride Courtney Stodden. I paid her no attention until I happened to see the interview pictured above, where she made some of the most insane sexy faces I have ever seen. From there it's been a shame spiral of devouring every new interview and creepy-at-a-whole new level moment between these weirdos.

If you, like me, want to know more about how a monster like this is made, click on over to the Daily Beast's very important article and interview with her mother. If nothing else, you'll probably want to call your parents and thank them for everything when you're done.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm glad I'm not the only one

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

I get my eyebrows waxed once a month only so that I never have to touch them. My lovely esthetician will laugh and say, "they really got out of control this month, didn't they?" and I'll be like... "they did?" Then, without fail, every month she asks, "do we do your lip?" and I'm always embarrassed that I don't even notice any hairs there. Do I have a secret mustache you guys? And if I did, you'd tell me, right? RIGHT?
I would add to this list pedicures. Manicures also, but I think society at large is more judgmental of my hooves for feet. I can't wrap by brain around the fact that some women are always professionally mani'd and pedi'd. How much of your life do you spend with a small woman chiseling away at your natural moccasins? No thank you, I just can't be bothered to care about that.


Earlier today in a post about my diet adventures, I mentioned that we have 7 loyal followers. In fact, we have 8 loyal followers. I sincerely apologize for any discomfort this may have caused follower number 8.


The things never stop

It's been around the block and is very popular on this here internets, but "This is why I'll never be an adult" over on Hyperbole and a Half is still the best representation I've come across of why being a grown-up sucks SO MUCH.

Remember when you were little and your life was a series of discrete tasks? You finished your chores, or your homework, and that was it. You didn't notice the dog hair accumulating again in the corners of the living room, or the disgusting state of your bathroom. Didn't you JUST sweep and scrub the toilet? Like, last week?

The things never end. I think that's the essence of getting older. You resign yourself to the fact that in work and at home, you'll spend a whole bunch of time on completely fruitless tasks that will just need to be done again in a week. You never get a point where everything is in place, all your chores are done, and you can just kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. 

Sista Sista

Sisters! The worst when you're little, and the best when you grow up.

Especially when you're opposites, like Biscuits and Bears.

Hungry Bear: or Holar's HCG Diet Adventure

Truth time: I am addicted to dieting. Wait, wait, wait, don't judge; this bear is in no danger of starving. I am also addicted to snacks (anyone who has ever seen me can vouch).  Biscuit controls the ol' family curse through vigorous exercise. Bears are not built for such activity. Sure, I can climb a tree with the best of them, but not on a regular basis and certainly not enough to burn the caloric equivalent of half a banana. On top of that, I'm built for hibernation! I store food in my (butt) cheeks like I won't see if again for 6 months.

Given all of this, my weapon of choice in this battle is the diet. I love 'em. Especially a fad diet! Those are the best! A good Fad Diet will make you feel like you are not only doing something awesome for yourself, but they inevitably involve eating a disgusting amount of some food that you love. And they allow you to believe that you are in on some kind of secret that only awesome people get to know. "What do you mean you haven't heard of the intravenous peanut butter diet? Don't you know anything about polystructural isoflavonoids?" (not real).
I also love the sheer geekery that accompanies all things diet. I love calories and rudimentary chemistry. I love pharmecuetical words. I love that somehow diet magicians make more calories miraculously equal less pounds despite stupid math telling us that's impossible.

Simply put, I adore a good nutritional Ponzi scheme. Intellectually and practically, I understand that none of these get-thin-quick schemes will work, but that will never crush my childlike enthusiasm for them. So, I have decided to share my diet experiences here to give all 7 of Ladies Bits' loyal readers a good laugh, and to let them feel superior about themselves and their so-called "logical skepticism."

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

This wine tastes like Tom Jones

Researchers have determined that background music played while sipping wine affects the way you perceive its' taste.

I have a couple questions about this. How would the bad ass lady mix make my cab taste? Hopefully not like bad ass. And also, what effect does my Monday ritual viewing of RHOBH have on the half bottle of wine consumed with it? In my experience, the wine tastes like the elixir of life when paired with the Jerry Springer-like screeching of those Botoxed Frankenwives. Maybe it's because they're like Goldie and Meryl in Death Becomes Her, and they'll never grow old?

It's Mindy Day!

"She gives off the vibe of the too-smart kid who's left her physically awkward days behind, but hasn't lost the outsider's conviction that popularity is wasted on the popular."

It's Mindy Kaling day! My book should be waiting on the porch when I get home. In the mean time, I'm going to overdose on the Mindy Kaling publicity tour. She was on NPR Morning Edition up in that link above. And last night she was talking to one of my other favorite people on the Daily Show. Jon Stewart yells, "VAGINAS!"
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Mindy Kaling
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

Also, an interview with Entertainment Weekly.  So yeah, maybe I'm getting a little obsessive, but what can you do? It's how I show my love.