Friday, December 30, 2011


Gene Shalit loves puns, and SO DO I

Flying Monsters

Okay, so this is fucking horrifying. It's a combination of Holar's fear of birds and my fear of sea creatures: sea creatures that can fly. Commence nightmares.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Biological Fat Determinism

This article is so depressing. "The findings, the researchers wrote, suggest a form of “biological determinism” that can make a person susceptible to weight gain or loss."

Let's all just give up and eat some butter.

Lady Loves Guinness

"How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing." - Store Owner

Provoking Thought of the Day


Sriracha obsessions are really en vogue, but I call overrated. Valentina is where it's at, and it goes on everything I eat. Also, it's like 2 dollars per gallon. If we had more than 9 loyal readers, I'm sure this statement would cause an internet uproar. 

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Daily Cry

It's time for your daily crying session!

Now go hug your loved ones.

Happy Friday!

Rationale behind Snooki Friday dances: Sunday is Christmas. HB and mama Bear live in New Jersey. The Jersey Shore is in New Jersey. And Snooki is by far the best reason to watch Jersey Shore. Which, yes, okay, I also watch this reality show. I have low standards for entertainment.

This is how I feel about not being able to see them on Christmas: Sad Robot.
This is how I feel about HB coming to California in January:
And this is Snookie flashing her lady bits to the world:
All from reality tv gifs - go waste some time there.

Literally Unbelievable

Facebook is awesome for allowing the idiots who watch Fox News to out themselves as idiots that watch Fox News. I found the awesome blog Literally Unbelievable a while back and still love it. And here's an awesome "best of " from uproxx. These are the people that are wondering why they haven't been able to buy their K'ronnika concert tickets yet.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Call me BenDonna

I loved Big Love, and it probably comes as no surprise that I also watch Sister Wives when the mood strikes. Have you seen these kids' names? My favorites are: Mykelti, Truely (was Maeby Bluth a Mormon?), Aspyn, Ysabel. They really prefer Y's, don't they?

Want to know what your name would be if you were born into the faith? Here's a Mormon name generator for your enjoyment. Holar Bear's Mormon name? Christmas Holiday B'andra. I think it really suits her.

If you're really into Utah baby names, here's another great list.

Sierra, Farrah, Dolly, Deborah, and Candy

Did you guys see Real Housewives of Atlanta this week? The best part of the show, by far, was the credit given to Kim's wigs... which she names:
I'm still waiting for the perfect occasion to throw the RH themed party that lives in my mind as the greatest concept of all time. Seriously, someone out there hire me or make me plan your bachelorette, and you'll be rewarded with the greatest theme party of all time. I've done my research.

Baby Holar Bear

The belly! The flat on the face sleep position.  All of it is the cutest.

Putting the Ho in Holidays

Now it's not only sexy-o-ween, it's sexmas. This isn't really NSFW so much as, you'd be really embarrassed if your boss saw you looking at this. Be warned.

So creepy.

Wikipedia, Please Personally Appeal to me Forever.

Full gallery here.

Will's "Urban" Dance Moves

I can't even respond to this because my ovaries are busy exploding... but it's a crush not just on William, but Kate too. Is that weird?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The R&B could come back?

Apparently R. Kelly has written 32 more chapters of Trapped in the Closet and is looking for funding... someone rich, quick! Save the R&B!

Peeve Rant: "Holiday Weight"

I really wish my exercise instructor ladies would not try to food-shame me around the Holidays. Let me preface this by saying that I love my exercise studio. The classes are efficient and effective, and I'm not asked to breathe painful memories from my thighs or massage my bowel with the Pavanamuktasana (real name) pose.

Anyway, about 3 weeks before Thanksgiving, several of the instructors started trying to make all of us either die or puke in class. ALL of the instructors mysteriously added an additional round of cardio. I had nightmares about burpies. Then, one of the kinder, more nurturing instructors admitted that they had all gotten together and decided that, because of the holidays, they should take it up a notch in order to help us combat "all of our holiday weight gain."

Nice sentiment (I guess?), but I'm really just kind of over people/lady mags/exercise instructors/morning shows talking about this as if it's a real thing. Let's be real: maybe this was a thing in Pilgrim times when people were eating corn and acorn mush on a daily basis, and then seriously FEASTING when it was peace time with the Indians (that's how it happened, right?).

But come on you guys. We're m-f'ing obese Americans. Does a day of home-made stuffing and turkey really make a huge difference? Our average restaurant meal is like 1000 calories. Do your exercise instructors add extra cardio during Cheesecake Factory season? I would wager that for many Americans, that Holiday meal is actually healthier than their order at a restaurant.

So yes, please stop shaming me over "holiday weight gain." I have no problem getting my ass kicked by you, lady instructor. In fact, that's what I'm paying your for. But my slice of apple pie is my choice, and I don't want to hear about it from you.

This also applies to any mention of bikini season. I exercise because it's good for me and keeps me sane, not because I will ever look good in a bikini.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

Portlandia Speaks Truth

This is a re-enactment of the times we started watching:
Mad Men
Breaking Bad
The Wire
and, taking it old school, the OC

It's like a Booty Tsunami

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

In other news, K'ronikka will the name of HB's first born, regardless of gender.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I don't even like Christmas and I love this

My Condition has a Name

So that reaction I have where I turn into the Incredible Hulk and glare murderously at open-mouth-chewers is a real thing.
Be warned, dude on the elevator who started digging into his plate of Indian food and chewing like a cow: I may attack at any moment. I suffer from Misophonia, and I think I've done a remarkably good job of controlling my symptoms to date. 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I'm really enjoying wikipedia's "personal appeals" format.

Friday, December 16, 2011

I'm Untouchable, Bitch

 I fucking love Lifetime made for TV movies.

Angela Chase has a Potty Mouth

I just want to keep watching this over and over and over again.

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday! I couldn't decide on one dance this week, since sexy Camille and sexy Galifianakis both spoke to me. And there's some bonus sexy as inspiration for your sexy weekends. Enjoy!

Bonus Sexy Friday Fun:

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Hometown Shame: Hygiene and Appearance Edition

"According to the survey, Sacramento residents also report worse personal hygiene than any other city." Oh, and apparently the men are the worst looking anywhere.

On Sunday I Stumbled into the Twilight Zone

We need to talk about something crazy that happened to me on Sunday night.

I'm home alone, still recovering from Friday night Holiday party shenanigans (leave me alone, I'm old), and flipping through the channels looking for something to pass the time. I did something I rarely do: take the guide on down below ESPN and Bravo to the network stations, hoping that I'll find a new procedural or fairy tale-based crime drama to watch. Something strange caught my eye: a program called simply "Dance Party" on channel 13. Of course I surfed on over, and this is what I found:


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Looking for a Few Good Women

I'm in this weird place in my life where all of my best friends live really, really far away. I talk to them all the time over email and chat, but there's the whole "in person" social life thing that's really suffering. I also recently moved to a new city and started a new job, for which I'm not traveling and I actually have the free time to spend with friends and have a social life outside of my project team. So for the first time since my painfully, horribly awkward first year of college, I'm in a position where I need to make new friends.
Best Friends of my dreams
I always score a solid "I" on the Myers-Briggs personality test, and I like to delude myself into the thinking that my awkwardness is part of my charm. But basically, I'm genetically predetermined to be bad at making friends. The going has been slow, but I have made some strides and met a couple of awesome new friends. The path to having someone other than my dad as activity partner/best friend was littered with some false starts.

I've discovered a good number of "deal breakers" in making awesome new girl friends (side note/new theory alert: now that I'm happily attached and not looking for dudes, looking for awesome girlfriends has become a lot like dating). I'm not one of those people that just gets along with everyone. If you know me, this probably doesn't come as a surprise to you. I'm not proud of it, but here a few of the things that quickly indicate to me that my friend-candidate may not be a fit.

Notorious S.I.R.I., or: Robot Rapping

This nerd is awesome.

Notorious Siri from robb on Vimeo.

Via Uproxx.

Fashion Tips for the Modern Woman

"So many of you have wroten to us and asked us how we can remain beautiful after 35 years in television.

Well, we can't help you with your ugly. But we can give you some tips. About makeup, style, pizazz, and getting that look."

Seriously, Ladies Love Julie Klausner.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

World's Slowest Land Animal

Oh hey, look, it's me attempting to run uphill!

Ladies Love Julie Klausner

"Speaking of Sapphic titillation, I must admit to emitting a Rick Perry–ian homophobic howl when Brandi and Camille rubbed their sinewy leatherbodies against each other, like they were marking the jilted territory Kelsey Grammer and Eddie Cibrian left to dry. This was after a painful scene in which bra-less Brandi auditioned for the part of “Animal in heat presenting” as she, Camille, Dana, and Adrienne bowled a game in the classy and elegant “Lebowski” suite of the Palms Casino and Fun-time Calamari Palace."
I cannot get enough of Julie Klausner's RHOBH recaps. The Monday night ritual of red wine + Kim Richards followed by the Tuesday morning recap makes the beginning of the week bearable.  Keep it coming, Lady Klausner. If you're all caught up on your other online procrastinating, also check out her podcast, "how was your week?"  If you read a lot of internet, chances are she's covering topics you'll love.

Also, there's this:

Call your Girlfriend

His commitment is super inspirational, and I'm strangely attracted to him in that crop-fur-hooded-confection.


Monday, December 12, 2011

Hot Cops

Remember when I "live" tweeted my half marathon 2 days after the fact, and mentioned the Hot Cops that ran with me for part of the way? Obviously I couldn't take pictures while I was running, but the event folks just put up their galleries, and I wanted to share the sexy with you all (our 9 loyal readers):

I was not exaggerating the sexy.

 You can feel the chafe from here. I wonder what happened to Hot Cop #3.

Baller on a Budget: Christmas

Are you broke like me? I'm so broke that I'm making all my Christmas presents for my friends and family. I'm sure they'll be thrilled. I can't post this year's awesome gifts until I send them,  but wanted to share one of my favorite past homemade goods: a hand made holiday card crafted just for HB:

Shit We Say

So I promised myself I wouldn't post anything today until I finished my work. Oops, I lied slash procrastinated, and it was worth it because I found this:

Oh my god the chips eating part. That's me.

Thanks Hairpin.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Happy Birthday Holar Bear!

I am a Holar Bear, I live North of everywhere, I live at the top of the world! The furry white coat, I wear in the snow, keeps me warm when it's 20 below!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Happy Friday!

It is my understanding that we have a new reader submitted Friday dance, but I can't yet access it. Tragedy!  We'll either post it as soon as we can, or save it for next week. In it's stead, here are Pete and Trudy Campbell busting a move.

Tonight I'm going to my Mad Men themed work Holiday party. In honor of the theme I'm going to get myself knocked up and smoke some cigarettes and drink some scotch. Just kidding. About the knocked up and cigarettes part.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


My Favorite Pageant Family Ever

I hope you were all watching Toddlers & Tiaras last night. What, you missed it? Well, you missed out. Last night's episode featured quite possibly the greatest pageant family of all time. They have a son and a daughter that compete. 

The father gleefully coaches his daughter Riley, behind his wife's back, to make this face at the judges:

Do You Think Justin Timberlake Knows...

Do you guys think that Justin Timberlake knows that the tunes he made with The Lonely Island are by far the best music he has ever made? Someone should tell him.

(Audio NSFW)

   I think he probably already knows that these are his best looks. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Creepiest Things the Crazy Old Man in your Apartment Can Say to you

There is a crazy old man that lives in the first apartment by the front door of my building. He drinks copious amounts of Old English 40s and pushes a creaking shopping cart around the neighborhood. Last weekend I saw him wheeling a four foot tall stuffed dog sculpture (not taxidermy-ed, thank god) towards our building.

He really likes to talk to us. His voice kind of sounds like a spanish accented, high pitched, Mr. Rogers. I know that he is probably lonely so I generally oblige him, but always keep walking. You must keep moving or you will be trapped. He often says things that are just so creepy that I put the chain on when I get into my apartment. I mean no ill-will, it's just that sometimes I'm afraid he wants to make a skin suit with me. Here are the top 6 (please read these in your best, high-pitched-spanish-accented-mr. rogers voice):

6. "Creaaaaaaak....creaaaaaaaak.....creaaaaaaaaak" - sound of his shopping cart through the dark, foggy night
5. "I have a tiger statue that I want to place in front of my door but I'm afraid your dogs might be scared as they are also animals. Do you think the tiger animal statue would scare your dogs?"
4. "HOW DID YOU DO THAT!!!!?" - in reference to my pulling my car into the parking spot in the garage
3. "Thank you for living here!"
2. "You're preeeeeeeeetttttttttyyyyyyy." - said from the corner of the dark garage
1. "You have beautiful skin!" - said as I was walking in from a workout

Lisa Frank makes clothing. In adult sizes.

In case you were looking for the perfect holiday gift for me or HB.  I love this polar fleece so hard. When I moved I found my sticker collection from childhood. Yes I did go through the whole box and pick out every Lisa Frank sticker for the "save" pile. The rest went in the trash. Hello, rainbow loving panda bear.

And now I want a Porcupine, too

I feel like Teddy and I have a lot in common. This is exactly how I react when presented with a big chunk of Mt. Tam Triple Cream or cave aged gruyere.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

More Happy Endings

"My penis is running away from the cops and needs a place to hide." - Best pickup line of all time

Exercise Inspiration

This is definitely going to be the next big thing in fitness.

Moves Like Jagger

It's Holiday party season and I have my firm's party coming up this Friday. My co-workers are a dancing kind of a bunch, so of course I've been brushing up on my moves. Special attention has been paid to the family's signature move: the Butt Dance. Our cousin taught us this dance before the age of 10, and my blossoming desk-chair ass just gets better at it as the years pass by.

I was pretty ecstatic when I saw Charlie on It's Always Sunny interpreting my move last season. Now I'm watching this on repeat while writing a training document. It's like a little moment of zen for me. Totally normal.

Competitive Yoga.

As a person that has never in my life been able to touch my toes, this made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I do, however, take this as proof that the "beautiful pretzels" from my past yoga classes are in fact competitive m-f'ers, and not peaceful seekers of inner peace, like they claim.

Monday, December 5, 2011

My life in Buzz Words: Calling Comcast

I have always wanted to spend an entire day or week or month speaking only in buzz words. If you listen during meetings, especially when consultants are involved, the absurdity of the sentences strung together can be quite entertaining. In fact, when it looks like I’m scrupulously taking notes, a lot times I’m just jotting down quotes to share with my sister at a later time.

The language and jargon inherent to business life is so ridiculous to me, but to be successful you really do need to start using the words, or you stick out like a sore thumb. I'm good at blending in at work by using these words in meetings and written communications, but I’d like to start using my buzz words in my everyday life. The problem is I’m just not good at doing this live in non-business situations. So here, I’m going to re-imagine some of my every day interactions as business-pants interactions, meaning: all buzz words, all the time. Below is both how the conversation really went, and how it would go if I was wearing my business pants.

Today: Calling Comcast to change my service and save some skrilla.

Comcast Rep: Hi, thank you for calling Comcast, what can I help you with today?

Biscuit: Hi, I wanted to cancel a couple of channels and talk about my bill, it seems really high.

(Business Biscuit: Hello. My bill rate is exceeding forecast. I’d like to review my statement of service and potentially sunset some of my current options, because, at the end of the day, the total costs here aren’t sustainable.)

Arrested Westeros

By now, you may have picked up on the fact that I love Arrested Development and Game of Thrones. In fact, if I'm ever able to adopt a third dog to join George Michael and Sweet Dee, chances are his name will be Khal Drogo. So, I'm pretty excited about the most recent AD mash-up blog I've found: Arrested Westeros.  Enjoy.

Unicorn Christmas? I think so...

Regardless of your feelings about Lady Gaga, this is the greatest Christmas stocking ever. It has a mane and a sparkly horn. I am positive it can hold far more that it appears to hold...because its a unicorn. It is available for purchase here.

Are you watching "Happy Endings?"

You should be. Set your DVR. Here's a good sampling of the awesomeness you can expect.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Holar Bear in Dog Form?

Happy Friday!

The submissions for the Friday Dance are pouring in nowadays. Here is this week's winner. Inspiration: general office sexiness.

Where has all the R&B gone?

Ok, at the risk of sounding older than my years, what in the hell is up with music these days?

In our day you couldn't turn around without being sexily serenaded by a group of  young men or women dressed in coordinated urban evening wear. Biscuit put up some excellent examples the other day.

Nowadays literally EVERY song on the radio (regardless of claimed genre) is actually a techno song (or electronic dance music as the interwebs clarified for me). R&B was about making slow sweet love. Techno is about robots and humping at jack rabbit speeds. Sure our parents disapproved of the sexy lovemaking themes in our music. But I bet they would have caged us until we were 30 if all the love were removed from the music, the sex was taken up a notch, and the speed cranked up a couple hundred BPM's.

I blame white people. When R&B slow jams hit it big, white tweens everywhere were faced with the daunting task of developing rhythm and learning new dances that involve the groin muscles, like the butterfly. They've been battling that ever since. Enter "Electronic Dance Music," and all of the sudden bouncing and dry humping counts as dancing, and white people can go to clubs again. That's how it started. And now it's rampant. It's ruining the lives of all the people with soul.

What? You disagree? Suck it.

Exhibit A:  Even Usher has been corrupted.

Usher circa 1997: You Make Me Wanna

Note the dancers brought in to make Usher into a group. Note the use of a keyboard set to "Spanish Guitar". Note the unbuttoned shirt, gold chain, and wave cap. Mostly, note that this is smooth, grindable, R&B.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Playlist: Middle School Slow Jam Flashback Edition

Maybe it was the visit home last week for Thanksgiving, and the resulting trip down memory lane, but today I'm in the mood for some good R&B slow jams. And arguably, the years I spent in 6th - 12th grade were the renaissance for amazing slow jams. They just don't make music like this anymore. Maybe the reason I don't listen to the radio anymore is because of the sad lack of slow jams. "112" Pandora Station for the win, y'all.

I'm inspired to put together a playlist of my favorite middle/high school slow jams to fully induce you into a flashback to awkward cafeteria slow dances, hoping you'll get asked to dance. If you were like me, the only people that would ask you were your Homecoming Queen sister's guy friends who were probably just trying to get on her good side by being nice to the little sister. All the boys smelled like "Tommy" cologne (side note: I still love the smell of this) and were wearing their shiniest Jordans. I was still wearing basketball shorts to school and doc martin 8-hole boots to the fancy cotillion dance. Ahh, the awkward years (ages 11 - 19). 

Commence flashback!

1. Cupid - 112: To this day, I cannot shake the association between this song and watching the first guy I ever liked dance with one of my best friends, soon to become his girlfriend. Wah wah, it's not a sad association anymore, but kind of funny to me now, since I strongly believe in not peaking in high school. I mastered that one.

2. Angel of Mine - Monica: I'm pretty sure this was the theme for one of my sister's proms. We like to keep it classy in Sacramento.

Tramp Stamps

I'm pretty sure this was a story line in How I Met Your Mother...

Exercise Inspiration

This woman is magical.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Friday!

Thanksgiving is all about family, so in honor of the holiday, here's one of my favorite movie families doing a sexy dance in celebration of Friday! Happy long weekend everyone!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Neurosis of the Day : Thanksgiving Edition!


 I am a control freak posing as a Sagittarius. On the surface I'm all calm and reason; deep inside its a battle between Shaved Head Britney, and Tracy Flick.

 Side Note:  If blogger had a font named "One Card Short" that was a graphical manifestation of the crazy that happens in my head, I would use it now. (also, often).

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Office Nemesis Field Guide

A Field Guide to Your Office Nemesis. As a consultant I have a rotating series of Office Nemeses, but I call them all the same thing: Sweater Vest. My #1 Nemesis of all time earned a special name that sticks to this day. We called her Das Suit. 

Biscuit's delayed live-tweet of the half marathon she survived

Hey friends! I'm alive! I know you were worried, what with my half marathon on Sunday. Overall, it was a great day. I trained the least for this race of any I've completed before, and yet it was somehow still the easiest to complete. I guess I have to suck it up and admit that those bitchy hills in San Francisco did me a solid and prepared me quite well for those 13 miles.

I really wanted to "live tweet" the whole event, since I usually have a lot of crazy thoughts on my long runs. However, I am stuck in the year 1992 with my Blackberry Curve, so this proved impossible. I was, however live-tweeting the whole thing in my head, and like the dedicated little blogger I am, I jotted notes down when I finished. So here is your 2-day post-race day "live" blog. Side note: I have a hard time with 140 characters, so I'm ignoring that rule.

What we have here in this image is a graphic of my split times grabbed from my nike+ app. I spruced her up with some PowerPoint wizardry to highlight key thoughts from the race. The numbers correspond to comments below.

1. Mile 0.65: I am passed by a 4'9" woman of approximate age 75. Apparently I should not call my running style the "old lady shuffle." It's slower than that.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Oskar is going to make you cry.

Oh, hey. Don't mind me. My eyes are just sweating a little bit. Carry on.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Happy Friday!

This just feels right today. Amiright? Today's Friday Dance comes courtesy of A.C. Slater. Is it just me, or is this the original Dougie?

Hungry Bear: or Holar's HCG Diet Adventure. Day 19 of the Days of Suck

"Oh hey guys. I didn't see you standing there. I'm glad I ran into you too, it's been way too long.

Wait...what?...You've been here the whole time? I've been ignoring you? Oh.

I'm really sorry it's just that my brain has been a little foggy lately.", it's day 21 of my HCG Diet Adventure, Day 19 of the Days of Suck.  I have good things to report and words of caution. As I stated above in my semi-lucid self conversation, the experience has left me "a little foggy". In order to spare you from the delusional stream of consciousness prose of someone on a lot of stimulants, and almost no calories, I will submit my findings in the form of a list:

1. Not eating is not that difficult with, drumroll please...Phentarmine! (physician prescribed)

2. Phentarmine is Phun! It takes your morning coffee and adds a special kick that you would normally only get from a guy name "Freeway Carl" with a week's worth of lunch money.

3. I lost 22 pounds in 19 days.

4. In my head I look like this:

Greater than the sum of our parts

This is how I feel when I get to hang out with my sister. I feel like we are greater than the sum of our parts. We're cool alone, but we're better when we're together.

We're like Captain Planet, when our powers combine. We're like Voltron. The Power Rangers. Mac and Cheese. Rainbows and Unicorns. Donnie, Danny, Joey, Jordan, and Jonathan. Salt n Pepa.

You get the idea. Sisters are awesome.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Game of Thrones Season 1 Recap

I really love Game of Thrones, but this is hilarious, and also pretty accurate.

I just discovered this Megan Amram person, no idea who she is, maybe I've had my head in the sand - but she is hilarious and I think I love her.

If you're not watching Game of Thrones, get a load of Khal Drogo over there. I think even you boys can agree that he is one hot piece. 

This camel runs a lot like my dog Sweet Dee

Can we talk about how badly I want a camel now?

Real Life Math: Biscuit + Bear

Bear Biscuits

Here's the recipe, it has 5 stars. I bet we are a delicious combination.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

@humblebrag: My Favorite Twitter Feed

We're new to twitter (obviously, follow us @Ladies_bits), and we still aren't really sure how it works. Is it correct usage of the verb to say, we "tweeted at" someone? Sounds kind of aggressive. And our mother had to explain to us what a "hash tag" was, so as you can see, we're slightly behind the times. 

The genius "who to follow" feature suggested to me that I follow @humblebrag, and I thought, "what's a humble brag?" I clicked follow, and man, how have I not been using this term? Am I already this unhip?

You remember when I was bitching about the braggy, narcissistic posts over on facebook? Humblebrag is the word for what these people are doing! And the @humblebrag twitter feed (is that what we call it?) is some awesome person re-tweeting humblebrags from around the twuniverse (tweetiverse?). Stuff like:

"Being the "she" in gorgeous songs blows my mind."


"Just got approached by someone in mcdonalds, they asked if I was Ryan Gosling, I said no, they looked very disappointed, shrugged and left"

I wonder if I can make submissions.


A few months ago we took George Michael the mystery mutt and Sweet Dee the monster boxer to the dog park and we met a dog that was the exact hybrid of the two. Prepare to have your mind blown:

So you need to stop crying

I can't wait to see what this post does for our Ad Sense ad content. My favorites so far have been for Panamanian Mail Order Brides, Rehab, and Bipolar Disorder treatment.

On a somewhat related note, did you know that when you have a blog you can see in your stats which search terms have been used to find your content? We have some amazing googlers out there. The best search terms include: "starving bear," "Mindy Kaling Big Booty," "Beezy Bear,"  "Puppies and bacon," and "slutty Disney princesses." These make me feel proud, as if we are really reaching our target audience. And I want to know what these people are really searching for. Do they love what they accidentally find? I hope so.

One group that I know is disappointed is the large group from the UK that find us by searching for "Ladies Bits." Somehow I think that they are searching for more vagina and less snarky commentary.

ANYWAY, focus Biscuit, FOCUS. Here I'm going to provide a list of things that never fail to help me stop crying. Given that I am often held hostage to my powerful emotions, I have discovered a few things that it is absolutely impossible for me to cry through. These are like weapons in my fight to maintain my reputation as a sane, mature human being. Keep this content handy when you're going through a breakup, having a really horrible day/week/month, or, based on what I've seen in the movies, for the last 4 months of your pregnancy. Here we go:

1. Listen to Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves on repeat. It is biologically impossible to cry while this song is playing. I discovered this in high school, and it has held true right into the long days of wearing business pants. Something about the beat and the gratingly upbeat chorus immediately dries your tear ducts and numbs your brain.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Fake Anything: Real Awesome

I'm really not feeling creative or original this week (I'm going to blame the impending head cold that I'm trying to ignore), so I'll just link to other people's funny ideas. This is my favorite blog find in a long time: Fake Anything. Fake ads for goods, products, and services that have been the fodder for your inside jokes for years.

I wish this hot ham water was real, and Jon Hamm was the spokesperson.