Tuesday, January 31, 2012

It's Impossible not to like Kristen Bell

I mean... I know that I would love to hate her. But first I read that she had a Hunger Games themed birthday party, and now she's crying over a sloth, and let it be shown on national TV... so how can I not love her?

Monday, January 30, 2012

You may have noticed that I'm MIA today

I bet you were all just sitting there clicking refresh on your browser, hoping for new bits. You were, weren't you!? All 12 of you!

Anyway, the reason I have been MIA today is that all of my procrastination time has been directed towards... drum roll please... wedding planning!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Texts from Holar: presented without commentary

What does Ladies Bits Say About you?

I'm guessing it would say that you really love Biscuits, Holar Bears, cheese, laughing, dance-offs, Lisa Frank, costumes, and failed diet attempts. Also, reality TV and grief bacon.

Go here and see what your real favorite blog says about you.

Of me:

The Hairpin: You get the importance of hand towels. A lot of other shit in your life is out of control, but you are not gonna make anyone visit your home and dry their hands on your bath towel, like a peasant. You have an uncanny ability to guess the correct time of day within a five-minute range. It's a shame "spunky" is such a gross little word because it used to be a good one and it would be helpful right now.

Jezebel: You convinced your mom to leave your dad, and she’s never been happier.

Serious Eats: You’ve debated about Five Guys vs. In ‘n’ Out.

Videogum: You’ve openly scoffed at a celebrity in person.

Pretty spot on. I read a lot of blogs.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Biscuit without Biscuits: Full Carnivore Paleo Adventure Part 4

So, we're into week 3 of the great Paleo Adventure. After some deep self-reflection and a number of emails with the nutritionist after the aforementioned trip to Whole Foods, I decided to officially reintroduce some responsibly and humanely raised meats back into my diet for the remainder of the month. Depending on my results and my body's reaction, I'll decide at that point if I want to go back to a fish-only pescatarian lifestyle (and if I want to reunited with my best friends, baguette and cheese).

The decision has been wrought with intense anxiety, which I think can best be described to you, my 12 loyal readers, through the medium of mediocre PowerPoint art. See Exhibit A - Meal Format:

Something I didn't realize about my vegetarian life: basically every meal was like a bowl of soup. Take, for example, a salad. Before the Great Paleo Experiment of 2012 (GPE2012), let's let: 
A = Lettuce
B = Beans
C = Carrots
D = Tofu

Let's Play a Game of Normal/Not Normal

I'm afraid that if I fart in really cold weather, I'll leave a puff of steam behind me letting everyone know that I tooted. Despite living in the snow for four years and testing this theory, I'm still worried about visible farts. Normal or Not Normal?

Sometimes I'm in a position that so clearly requires a helping hand (trying to unlock the gate to my apartment building while holding 6 bags of groceries, for example), that I know a passerby I see coming down the street will try to help out. But I'm awkward and don't want the social interaction that comes with accepting the help (slash I'm afraid that they want to make a size 12 skin suit out of me). So I mentally prepare a way to politely decline. 9 times out of 10 the passerby doesn't offer to help, and I feel awkward for having thought out a refusal. Normal or Not Normal?

I will go to great (irrational) lengths to solve account or payment issues via online interfaces to avoid talking to customer service agents, because I dread their long goodbyes ("Is there anything else I can help you with today?", "can you stay on the line for a short survey?", "you've qualified for a mega miles platinum card, are you interested?"). It would probably take five minutes to solve my problem by talking to a human being. Normal or Not Normal?

Voice-mails are like harbingers of doom to me, especially when from unknown numbers. I let them store up until my mailbox is full, and then I listen to them all at once, as fast as I can, and try to erase them as quickly as possible. This relieves immense amounts of stress. Normal or Not Normal?

I think dog paws smell like cheetohs. I actually saw this as a descriptor of a cheese in a cheese tasting, so I must be right, right? Normal or Not Normal?

The first thing I did when getting my new phone was figure out how to turn the camera shutter noise off. Normal or Not Normal?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Speaking of How Was Your Week

Listen to Episode 46, in particular the interview with  Katie Notopoulos, who curates the greatest collection of internet curiosities of all time. This episode is huge in cheering me up today.

Honey Boo Boo

I don't remember if I've ever posted this, and I'm too lazy to check. I need some go-go juice. I hate Mondays. But this video and old episodes of "how was your week" are a good distraction.

Exactly how I feel about my life today

From thedailywh.at

Friday, January 20, 2012

Happy Friday!

What a week. We didn't post a Friday dance last week because we were too busy drinking wine at 10 AM and doing a Friday dance in person.

Camille here is an ex fly-girl/video-ho or something, and she does the exact same move as me. I take this as validation that I'm the greatest dancer in the world.

Also, I expect to have her body if I stick to this Paleo thing. I'm pretty sure the cavemen all had giant implant-like breasts.

Famous Guidos

"There has to be some middle ground between following the gang as they monkey around on the red carpet and pretending that — after almost five seasons and two possible spin-offs — when they roll up to Karma, they're just the average group of oranginas out to flash their crotches."
I love academic-sounding articles about Reality TV.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Biscuit without Biscuits: Semi-Vegetarian Paleo Diet Adventure Part 3

Did a little Research at the CA Academy of Sciences last weekend
Day 11 of the Paleo experiment.

I had a really long weekend since HB was in town. I took Thursday/Friday off and spent two nights up at the cabin, then returned to SF to spend the weekend with BF and his visiting best friend from college. I was compliant with the diet thanks to HB and her wonderful jesus centaur BF, who happily cooked me eggs and fish and broccoli no less than 6 times in 2 days. They also slipped me some bacon. It was fucking delicious. I did cheat on Saturday with a single corn tortilla and rice with my Indian food. Also the 7 bottles of wine over the 6 day weekend.

I’m still struggling with the vegetarianism issue. It’s become such an identity for me that despite my intense cravings for animal, I am also feeling intensely guilty. I had an affair with bacon, I dabbled in a small serving of chicken, and snuck a steak bite at a winery over the weekend. Our nutritionist sent me an article today that does make me feel a bit better, but I still feel like I’m doing something terrible every time I put a bit of meat in my mouth (my brain just started screaming “that’s what she said”).

Our group of four met with our Nutritionist last night at Whole Foods for an update and a guide through the store for her favorite products. She explained to us a lot about the proper way to raise meat, why we shouldn’t eat processed and sugary foods, and why certain health buzz words (like ‘vegetarian fed chicken’) are total bullshit. I agreed with all of what she had to say. However, by the end of the tour I was tempted to go rogue, run screaming to the bakery and cheese department to rebelliously stuff my face with my old forbidden loves. She caught me starting forlornly at the Tomme Dolce and Mt. Tam.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Awkward Celebrity Photos

This guy has got a lot of them.
For some reason I find this slideshow wildly entertaining. Maybe it's because most of these celebrities look kind of tore up? Except for my Joaney up there. Joan always looks amazing (I maintain that she is Joan in real life).

The Queerenstein Bears

First of all: best fictional trivia team name ever. Second, is that Steve Carell making a secret Office cameo?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Dear Dude from my Corner Bar,

Dear Dude from my Corner Bar,

I guess you didn't recognize me yesterday. When you looked me up and down, fixed your eyes on my right ankle, and made a loud, disgusted noise akin to hawking a loogie, while grunting "Miiiiiichigan, ugh," you must have been too distracted to remember that you've spoken to me before. You still didn't catch on when you stumbled past me, and continued to talk about "all of us getting butterfly tattoos, that'll be cool." Your buddy certainly thought you were hilarious.

I know you from our neighborhood bar. I've never particularly liked you, but where I thought seeing you on the street called for a friendly, casual nod, you went with the more original approach of loudly insulting me. I was just walking the neighborhood, killing time before my exercise class. I guess you were leaving the other neighborhood bar. Maybe you were just drunk.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Who approves these things?

Crank calling a Kennedy: seems like a good career move.

Biscuit without Biscuits: Vegetarian Paleo Diet Adventure Part 2

I rode the shuttle to work with one of my favorite co-workers this morning and was regaling her with tales of my Paleo food adventures, and she said, "so you're on like week 2 now?"

Nope, I'm on Day 4. It's been a long 4 days. Holar Bear is in town, and this weekend will be a true test of my resolve to stick with this. We're going to our family's mountain cabin tonight for a few days of hibernation and wine drinking (look for some fun live-blogging)!

Monday night she and jesus-centaur stayed with us in SF and we ordered Thai food. I successfully avoided stuffing my face with Pad Thai and Drunken Noodles. I didn't even touch the tofu - I stuck with a red curry with shrimp, and spicy garlic shrimp - no rice. It was tough, you guys. One of my secret weapons is a bag of raw flax crackers that taste like rotten ass and effectively kill my appetite. I need to start carrying them in my purse.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Biscuit Abstains from Biscuits: A Vegetarian Paleo Diet Adventure, Part 1

In the grand tradition of our favorite past-time, I embarked on a new diet on Sunday.

I didn't start this for my usual reasons, and I didn't pick the diet myself. In fact, I often see references to this diet and willfully ignore learning more about it. It's called the Paleo diet, and it's totally trendy. So why am I doing this?

A good friend of mine invited me to join her and two other women in seeing a nutritionist as a group. We had toyed with the idea of doing Weight Watchers, which I've done several times, but instead they found this independent local nutritionist. I had checked out her blog, but not extensively. From what I gleaned, I knew that she was into whole, non-processed foods, and had successfully lost over 100 pounds, which she is maintaining through her own plan. I could get behind that.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Happy Friday!

It's New Year's resolution season! Jamie Lee wants you to work off that grief bacon, ladies!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Desk is a Border War

I have a work issue. Here's the deal: I joined this team about 4 months ago. The desk configuration here is a "modern open floor-plan" - meaning that instead of square cubes, we have long rows of desks, divided in pairs by low walls. 

So, essentially, you have a "roommate" with which you share a section of desk. I was given a desk next to an established team member. Each pair of desks is pretty clearly split into two by a divided pinboard/cube wall. Here's what happening with our desk:

Say Goodbye to your Day

Okay, you guys. I just found maybe the greatest thing on the internet, ever. This is also the greatest use of classic beauty Isabella Rossellini, of all time.

I present to you, Green Porno:

I can't embed the episodes here, but the preview gives you a good idea of what's in store: a deadpan hilarious puppet show about animal sex. Go forth, and watch the whole series. I really enjoy the Whale Penis episode.

I can't wait to be a Grandma

....Except, If my white grandson is acting like this, I might give him a little slap.

Also, I just made a new plan: when I reach crew neck sweatshirt age, I think I'm going to just invest in a closet full of Adidas track suits. It'll be my "thing."

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Today is National Trivia Day!

Here's a bit of trivia for you: today is National Trivia day!

And here's an amazing list of 119 facts HB found on the internets.

Our favorites:

20. James Avery (“Uncle Phil” on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) was the voice of Shredder on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.
- Mind exploded.
65. The German word kummerspeck means excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.
 - Germans have the best words for everything.

Kitten Mittens Romney

"2% of voters thought Mitt Romney's real name is Mittens." I smell an opportunity for a celebrity endorsement here!

I will never watch "work it," but I will read these "Hate Recaps" religiously.

"One job interview and a montage to “Bootylicious” later, and Lee and Angel are pharmaceutical sales reps surrounded by the other girls at the office. They include: the bitchy one, the crazy one, and the best friend one. Oh, and there’s the sexy lady boss who really stretches out Angel's ace bandage! It’s progressive for prime time because they’re both actors of color."

New Happy Hour Game: Real Doppelganger/Fantasy Doppelganger

Remember when everyone on Facebook was setting a picture of their "celebrity doppelganger" as their profile photo? In reality, they were posting a picture of someone much more attractive then themselves, or perhaps someone that they were once told they resembled, probably by a kind Aunt or a dude trying to get in their pants at the bar.

Inspired by this trend, HB and I played a game of Real Doppelganger/Fantasy Doppelganger via IM yesterday. How do you play? Well, it's a game in the vein of f/marry/kill: totally hypothetical with the potential for hilarity and psychological insight. It's simple: just go around the room and have everyone state who would really play them in a movie, and who would play them in a movie if their mother/number 1 fan was casting the film.


Who wants to play Fantasy Bachelor with me?

This show has the makings of an amazing drinking game. So, who wants to play Fantasy Bachelor with me?

Reason #12 to be happy this week

Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with Happy Endings?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Online recipes I found and made that are actually good

You know what's the worst? You get your ass in gear, give up your sweet parking spot, and go to the store to get ingredients for a recipe you found online, and it turns out to be HORRIBLE. I read the reviews, I look through the ingredients and prep steps, but sometimes I just choose wrong. So, here's a list of recipes I've found online and made, and have turned out really well. One disclaimer: always season more than recipes say. I like my food spicy so I add crushed red pepper and/or cayenne to almost everything I make, but remember to add the flavors you like. And salt. Always salt. Enjoy.

Resolution Toasts - I made these on New Years. They are super delicious, even though the ingredients seem kind of weird.

Apple Cheddar Beer Bread - Don't over-mix. This stuff is bomb.

If this isn't an episode of Law and Order yet, it's only a matter of time

Another good one from the Best Reads of the Year List - it's old, but if you missed it, it's definitely worth a read:

The Incredible True Story of the Collar Bomb Heist

More Stodden to brighten my day

You know I love Courtney Stodden. And I just found this awesome piece, which was included in Gawker's list of best reads of the year:

"Stodden maintains an amazing Twitter all about how horny she is, Jesus, and her singing career. (Apparently she drinks a lot of mocha ice blendeds, which proves to me that she is definitely really 17.)"

Today f'ing sucks.

"11 things to be happy about on the most depressing day of the year"

Seriously, I am in a MOOD today. The week off was nice, but also included events such as my boxer knocking me down a flight of stairs - resulting in an index card sized black bruise directly across my left ass cheek, and me taking the BF's side view mirror off his car (yeah $300 repair) when trying to do him a solid by moving his car for street cleaning. No good deed goes unpunished, right?

So, I was happy that HB sent me this link, because now I know that a) I'm not alone in my misery, and b)there ARE things to be happy about.

Also, it's game day for us Wolverines, and I'm rocking some rather executive looking attire at the office today: