Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Let's Play a Game of Normal/Not Normal

I'm afraid that if I fart in really cold weather, I'll leave a puff of steam behind me letting everyone know that I tooted. Despite living in the snow for four years and testing this theory, I'm still worried about visible farts. Normal or Not Normal?

Sometimes I'm in a position that so clearly requires a helping hand (trying to unlock the gate to my apartment building while holding 6 bags of groceries, for example), that I know a passerby I see coming down the street will try to help out. But I'm awkward and don't want the social interaction that comes with accepting the help (slash I'm afraid that they want to make a size 12 skin suit out of me). So I mentally prepare a way to politely decline. 9 times out of 10 the passerby doesn't offer to help, and I feel awkward for having thought out a refusal. Normal or Not Normal?

I will go to great (irrational) lengths to solve account or payment issues via online interfaces to avoid talking to customer service agents, because I dread their long goodbyes ("Is there anything else I can help you with today?", "can you stay on the line for a short survey?", "you've qualified for a mega miles platinum card, are you interested?"). It would probably take five minutes to solve my problem by talking to a human being. Normal or Not Normal?

Voice-mails are like harbingers of doom to me, especially when from unknown numbers. I let them store up until my mailbox is full, and then I listen to them all at once, as fast as I can, and try to erase them as quickly as possible. This relieves immense amounts of stress. Normal or Not Normal?

I think dog paws smell like cheetohs. I actually saw this as a descriptor of a cheese in a cheese tasting, so I must be right, right? Normal or Not Normal?

The first thing I did when getting my new phone was figure out how to turn the camera shutter noise off. Normal or Not Normal?


  1. 1, 2, 4 and 6 would also be behaviors and fears of mine. If you are abnormal, I'm fucking nuts.

  2. All of these things are signs of a well balanced individual. If you do not fear steam farts, then you have problems.