Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Hungry Bear: or Holar's HCG Diet Adventure

Truth time: I am addicted to dieting. Wait, wait, wait, don't judge; this bear is in no danger of starving. I am also addicted to snacks (anyone who has ever seen me can vouch).  Biscuit controls the ol' family curse through vigorous exercise. Bears are not built for such activity. Sure, I can climb a tree with the best of them, but not on a regular basis and certainly not enough to burn the caloric equivalent of half a banana. On top of that, I'm built for hibernation! I store food in my (butt) cheeks like I won't see if again for 6 months.

Given all of this, my weapon of choice in this battle is the diet. I love 'em. Especially a fad diet! Those are the best! A good Fad Diet will make you feel like you are not only doing something awesome for yourself, but they inevitably involve eating a disgusting amount of some food that you love. And they allow you to believe that you are in on some kind of secret that only awesome people get to know. "What do you mean you haven't heard of the intravenous peanut butter diet? Don't you know anything about polystructural isoflavonoids?" (not real).
I also love the sheer geekery that accompanies all things diet. I love calories and rudimentary chemistry. I love pharmecuetical words. I love that somehow diet magicians make more calories miraculously equal less pounds despite stupid math telling us that's impossible.

Simply put, I adore a good nutritional Ponzi scheme. Intellectually and practically, I understand that none of these get-thin-quick schemes will work, but that will never crush my childlike enthusiasm for them. So, I have decided to share my diet experiences here to give all 7 of Ladies Bits' loyal readers a good laugh, and to let them feel superior about themselves and their so-called "logical skepticism."

Let's see: I have done the Atkins thing, Weight Watchers, a crazy Chinese tea fast (I didn't eat for 2 weeks, and then professed that 'I just don't eat that much anymore'), the 4 hour body bean diet, and juice fasts. Just off the top of my head. After years of trying pretty much every diet  in this dimension (as long as they are not endorsed by Snookie), and continually failing to reach and maintain my goal weight,  I have decided to...consult my physician.

Waltzing into a health professional's office and declaring that you are fat is not an easy thing to do. I choose to believe my size and weight are a secret that only I am privy to, and therefore it is necessary to let my doctor in on the secret. I do not take this decision lightly, but for the first time since I was old enough to be smarter than an adult, I trust my doctor. 

My doctor is crazy dweeb smart. On my first visit, he whipped out a Sharpie and drew a diagram of a properly functioning endocrine system on that weird tissue they use to cover that weird chair they make you sit on. He curses! He also discovered a problem with my thryroid that 4 other doctors over the past 12 years have been unable to diagnose. So I trust him. When he says "I can put you on this diet. Its weird. Why don't you go home and do some research...careful a lot of it is bullshit...and let me know if you want to do it." I say "yes I will do it." And he says" Do some research" and I call back the next day and say "yes I will do it."

It's called the HCG Diet, and I just started on this adventure. The diet is essentially this: eat around 600 calories of flavorless organic whole foods (no fat), take HCG, and drink a gallon of water a day. Of course it is a lot more complicated than this. I was given a 3 page document laying out the specifics, but very little food, some drops, and a shit-ton of water is the gist of it.
The internets and Dr. Oz tell me that the HCG diet is very controversial. The internets tell me that HCG is not FDA approved for weight loss and that anyone eating 600 calories a day will lose weight. In my personal experience that is not true. I have eaten far less than that on crazier diets and lost nothing but water weight. What appeals to me about this particular scheme is that A) Dr. House (that's what I call him) prescribed it to me B) Its all very technical, there's a lot of talk of restructuring fat stores and hypothalamus glands and C) it promises enormous and permanent returns on investment.  

So here I am, on day 4 of the diet. The first 2 days consisted of me taking HCG and eating everything within a 2 mile radius normally. Those were the good days. The third through 45th days consist of the actual suck part. I am on day two of the Days of Suck.


- I spend almost no time cooking, eating, or deciding what to eat. You literally can not imagine how much of your day goes into that on a normal basis. I have read both "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" and "The Girl Who Played With Fire" in the past 7 days
- I lost 3.6 pounds already. Yay (I know it's water, don't be a soul crushing asshole)!


- I enjoy cooking, eating and deciding what to eat. It is one of my only hobbies. I guess I read now!
- Chicken cooked in water with only salt and pepper tastes so awful. Really, its bad.
- Today the internets told me that HCG is "harvested" from the urine of pregnant women. No idea if that one is true, but you can't unread that one. 

I'll be documenting my HCG adventure for your entertainment here. I'm hoping that as a pleasant side-effect of making this public is that you, our dear 7 readers, will help keep me encouraged and dedicated through some friendly peer pressure and social obligation. Dr. House thinks it could work, and I'm keeping my Holar claws crossed.


  1. "There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season"

    I think Dwight Schrute would agree, hungry bears are 40 times more dangerous. Good luck Holar Bear, I'm doing extra exercises for you!

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