Wednesday, November 16, 2011

So you need to stop crying

I can't wait to see what this post does for our Ad Sense ad content. My favorites so far have been for Panamanian Mail Order Brides, Rehab, and Bipolar Disorder treatment.

On a somewhat related note, did you know that when you have a blog you can see in your stats which search terms have been used to find your content? We have some amazing googlers out there. The best search terms include: "starving bear," "Mindy Kaling Big Booty," "Beezy Bear,"  "Puppies and bacon," and "slutty Disney princesses." These make me feel proud, as if we are really reaching our target audience. And I want to know what these people are really searching for. Do they love what they accidentally find? I hope so.

One group that I know is disappointed is the large group from the UK that find us by searching for "Ladies Bits." Somehow I think that they are searching for more vagina and less snarky commentary.

ANYWAY, focus Biscuit, FOCUS. Here I'm going to provide a list of things that never fail to help me stop crying. Given that I am often held hostage to my powerful emotions, I have discovered a few things that it is absolutely impossible for me to cry through. These are like weapons in my fight to maintain my reputation as a sane, mature human being. Keep this content handy when you're going through a breakup, having a really horrible day/week/month, or, based on what I've seen in the movies, for the last 4 months of your pregnancy. Here we go:

1. Listen to Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves on repeat. It is biologically impossible to cry while this song is playing. I discovered this in high school, and it has held true right into the long days of wearing business pants. Something about the beat and the gratingly upbeat chorus immediately dries your tear ducts and numbs your brain.

2. Watch Elf (the movie) on repeat:  I have actually tested this one on another person, and it's science: it works. This is the single best Christmas movie of all time, but you don't have to wait until the holidays to watch it. Elf can also make you stop crying in the middle of the summer. I mean, this movie is amazing if you aren't crying, but you literally cannot stay sad while you watch Will Ferrell run around in yellow tights.

3. Watch a Dance Off:  Oh, I love a dance off. Is there anything greater? It's impossible not to be overcome with joyful feelings when you watch a dance off. If you happen to be crying at a wedding or in a club (who hasn't, amirite?) try to start a dance off in real life. Just tell Dancer A that Dancer B said he was a better dancer than him/her.

Or you can try a walk-off:

Apparently Ben Stiller is my go-to in this division. Actually, 3a should be: watch Zoolander. The movie is pure joy.

What not to do: By all means, avoid Adele, Fiona Apple, love songs, and Moulin Rouge. If you're like me, avoid all high stakes sporting events, and ban all Ben Harper from your personal ear-space.

What are your stop-crying tricks? Are there any other songs/movies that I can add to my arsenal/storm preparedness?

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