I think I love Schmidt

Have you guys been watching New Girl? I am surprised by how much I love it. Also surprising is how not only does Schmidt not annoy the crap out of me, but how I kind of love him.

Exhibit A: In response to Vulture.com's spoof Cut the Schmidt workout video cover, the man made this awesome promo video:


I think I love you, Schmidt.

Did it Hurt?

...when your fiancee castrated you?

The longer I plan this wedding thing, the more I hate weddings. Which I think is a good thing, because I'm not being tricked into buying silly things. And along the lines of ridiculous people taking themselves VERY seriously, I found this "Notebook" themed engagement session and I almost died of embarrassment for these people. And then, I got to the bottom of the page, and saw that this movie themed engagement photo shot is a thing. Ugh. Check out this classic from a Harry Potter Photo Shoot: 

I'm Back!

I took a bit of an unplanned hiatus from the bits... we'll call it a sabbatical. Senor Super Hair went back to work in a pretty demanding job about 5 weeks ago, and it kind of turned my world upside down. Now that we're more well adjusted to our new schedules, I'm feeling somewhat inspired again.

I'm sure you were all waiting with bated breath for the Return of the Biscuit. Rejoice, because I'm back, bitches.

Mondays are the Worst. Fact.

Did you know that most of us don't even smile until 11:16 am on a Monday? Fact. More about this, and 9 more facts about how much Mondays suck over here.

Note: that 3.5 hours seems aggressive.

Happy Friday!

You may have heard, there was a dance number on the season premiere of Mad Men.

In my opinion, the imitators were much more entertaining.

Happy Friday ya'll!

This Wedding of Terrors is Dedicated to Holar

My favorite way to pass time at work since getting engaged is watching wedding videos. And when I'm REALLY committed to procrastinating I'll just find the vimeo channel of the videographer and sit through all of their greatest hits. Today I found this channel by Inkspot Productions (really very good at their job), where, among other things, I found a wedding that must have cost at least a million dollars (just wait for the send off), amazingly southern wedding hair, and, perhaps most importantly, a wedding incorporating Holar's worst nightmares and fear of birds into the ceremony. Holar: this one goes out to you.

I need to find a park with swings, stat

Hey Hola B, check out this video, especially the 1:04 mark. I didn't know Fred Sanford was a movie star!?

 

I love Figs

You know I love a gif. Or a fig, which is what I always type when I try to type gif. So figs, I love them. And friend to the Ladies Bits, Scribe/CW pointed me to this awesome website, what should we call me, which promptly ate 4 hours of my life. Girlfriend takes funny gifs and titles them appropriately. Simple concept- excellent execution.

You may also know that reality tv gifs is one of my favorite time wasters. Obviously, because it combines two of my passions: reality TV and figs. So, I wanted to play the WSWCM game with reality tv gifs and current events in my life. Here goes.

When my border-violating desk-mate talks. Or uses her mouse at a 90 degree angle from her body.

Jon Hamm is going to explode your ovaries

Click here for 7 minutes in heaven with this hot hunk of Hamm.

Happy Friday!

Hey y'all, it's Friday! And it's the day of the Hunger Games. I CAN'T WAIT!

See you Monday!

Will Arnett Looks like Dracula

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: Best Internets Finds

Ever since I started planning this thing, I have applied my internet and celebrity gossip diligence to wedding blogs. Meaning, I check for updates multiple times a day. And when I find a blog I like, I will scroll through the whole archive, even if it takes hours. I have found tons of great ideas for the wedding - lots of fun and easy-to-make decorations, and tips for saving money.

I have also found some completely bonkers, hilarious, and so bad it's amazing stuff. People taking themselves way too seriously. Heinous bridesmaid dresses. And of course, engagement sessions that take fromage to a new level of excellence. I care about you, our 12 loyal readers, so I wanted to share my best wedding finds with you. Enjoy!

1. The I think she thinks she's a model for Anthropologie engagement shoot: Hop on over to the Green Wedding Shoes blog and soak in the glory of Jacqueline and Kyle's Sausalito engagement shoot. This couple definitely wins the world record for taking themselves seriously. Bonus? They live in my city. I really hope I run into them someday, and that it takes me a while to place the face. I hope I've had a few glasses of cab before I finally place them, and then I hope I loudly "whisper" "there's the girl who reenacted the Kanye video where he falls in love with a Phoenix!"

Fiance's balls firmly in death grip

Just hanging out here at the beach with our old chandalier and cake stands. Sunday Funday!

Get out of here, Carl!

Are you guys watching the Walking Dead? It's not the best show of all time, but it is scary, entertaining, and regularly leads me to scream at my television, as any good thriller or horror movie should. If you are watching, you know that Carl is the worst, Lori is the most ineffective parent ever, and that Carl is always showing up where he should not be. Someone else agrees, and created Get out of Here Carl! - a tribute to Carl being the worst. Enjoy.

I just felt like we could all use a high five today

I effing hate Mondays.

Happy Friday!

So I know we've been a bit light lately, and that's mainly because I've actually been forced to produce work lately. No worries, I'm sure that'll change soon.

This week's Friday dance goes out to my fiance' with the good hair and my mom, who was visiting all week. They know why. Enjoy the weekend everyone, and I hope you all catch a leprechaun or whatever it is you're supposed to do on St. Patrick's day.

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: The Dress

I tackled the thing I was most dreading this past weekend. I'm not sure if I'm an anomaly, but based on my encyclopedic knowledge of Say Yes to the Dress, I would say that my dread regarding dress shopping was a bit out the ordinary. Starting Friday, I went to four separate stores in search of dress that didn't make me look like a whale, or an "albino parade float (in the words of HB)."

So, why was I dreading this, and was my fear well founded? I dreaded wedding dress shopping because the thought of stuffing my muffy tops into my finest spanx, a strapless bra, and bridesmaid gold heels, then standing vulnerably in a small dressing room with a perfect stranger, fighting off the back-sweats whille sausaging myself into sample sizes, followed by parading out in an unzipped, 50 pound dress to show my closest family (with a sprinkling of by-standing strangers) gave me the anxiety poos. Ironically, those of us most likely to be flashing said muffy tops and strapless bra backs (always sexy) because we don't fit in the sample sizes are likely the same women that are least excited about the whole experience. On top of it all, I am neither a "naked" person, nor an attention whore, so yes, I was terrified. And this fear was well founded.

I started at J Crew Friday evening, moved on to Nordstrom and a designer/custom place on Saturday, and then tried out a mainly-bridesmaid store on Sunday. Each day and appointment included a different group of people I trusted. My dear friend and coworker accompanied me to J Crew, where I was actually smiling and quite comfortable because a) my sales lady let me stay in the dressing room alone to get in and out of dresses, and b) the bridal area was a pair of dressing rooms behind a curtain, shielded from the rest of the store and stranger eyes. These two things went a long way in helping me stay comfortable and non-sweaty. I can't reveal too much here, in this public place, but I can say that I think I found my dress at J Crew. Coincidence?

Happy Friday!

I have four appointments for wedding dress try-ons this weekend, starting today. This is sort of a nightmare for me - putting on sample-size dresses and being forced to walk out in front of people for appraisal. Wish me luck and diminished bloating.

Today in unfortunate "targeted" advertising...

1. I know this was totally unintentional, but, ummm...? I also know that ad sense and the like can make some pretty awesome associations, kind of like our banner ads for Panamanian mail order brides. Google geniuses, can't you fix this?

2. Does anyone still watch the Real World? I love reality television, but I will only watch this franchise when I'm too lazy or hungover to retrieve the remote from the other side of the bed.

"French Government official publicly refers to females as 'human beings'. " - Pack up your vaginas ladies, France it is.

Hey Ladies,

  Have you been feeling "less than fresh" lately? Perhaps you've noticed some irritation in your lady parts? Yeah me too. Which Summer's Eve product is supposed to get rid of the of politicos invading our vaginas?

I can't think about any of this too much and maintain my nonchalant humorous take on life, so I will make this short.  Jezebel posted this article about France banning child beauty pageants After my initial visceral reaction to thought of French people missing out on Toddlers and Tiara's, I was struck by this quote:

"The senator who wrote the report, Chantal Jouanno, has said that the sexualization of young girls is "contrary to the dignity of the human being" and is a step backward for gender equality."

This is a politician speaking. About lady children. Using the words human and dignity.

Refreshing to say the least.  If I continue having to watch these dudes

 tell me how to use my vagina and about which civil liberties/basic human rights I will be losing this week, I will have to pack my vagina and all of my other ladies bits and go on a long vacation. Call me when they pass a constitutional amendment that in order to make policy governing my vagina you must be able to locate a vagina on a map of an adult woman.  Seriously, look at these guys.

-HB

Paleo Adventure + Hunger Games

Still totally, butt crazy in love with Josh

Hey bitches, I'm posting from home because I couldn't watch this video at work. Which was torture, because it was like "7 minutes in heaven with your favorite man other than Jon Hamm and your fiance'!" Psych! Video not available. ROUGH. So, I rushed home and watched it. Now that I've shared it with you, I'm going to watch it again. And again.

RHoD

This sketch is pure genius. Ms Wiig's Cinder-Kim-Richards impression steals the show.

It's raining tennis balls

I'm going to pin this to a Pinterest board with the comment "great idea for my dog's birthday!"

Happy Friday!

It's been a while since we paid homage to Mac's dance skillz, and I just felt like it was time.

I just feel like, I could love Don Draper the way he needs to be loved.

'

Seriously, Who's Going with me on March 23th?

To the Hunger Games. Anyone? I'll bring the baby bottles of Champagne.

80! New movie stills. Yes, I'm excited enough to go through all of them.

Remember this creep from that movie where she's a murderous child who is (spoiler alert) actually a 40 year old Russian woman?

Best Moment of the 2012 Oscars

The Angelina "Tribute"

Source: Buzzfeed

Happy Friday!

I don't know what's happening here, but I do know that Paul Rudd is a master technician on the dance floor. Man crush AND dance idol. Enjoy your weekend!

Sweet Dee is Famous!

Stefon's Illustrated Guide to the Box

"…and look who just walked in, is that Natalie Portman? No, it’s an old Irish black man that we call Murphy Brown. Plus, if you come this Sunday you’ll meet two-year-old ultimate fighter Drooly Lips Jackson. He’s got fists like little empanadas and he is my best friend."

Thoughts on Pinterest

Have you guys played with Pinterest?  It's fun. I like it. But I also hate it. And it kind of makes me sad. Such mixed feelings!

Here's the deal: it's a bookmarking site that is all the rage with the ladies. Especially with the Mormon ladies, apparently. Essentially, you can create a bunch of "inspiration boards" by "pinning" or bookmarking images and links you find on the internets.

I find this especially useful, since I have no less than 4 computers in regular use in my life, and I am quite obviously a procrastinator, meaning that I find many recipes and links I'd like to follow up on from home during my work day. My old problem was that bookmarking them on my work computer made it necessary to turn on  my work computer at home to retrieve the link. That's against my policy in the case of non-extreme circumstances. I used to email myself links, but it led to a cluttered inbox... and I'm a little OCD about my inbox.

The Box: America's New Favorite Pastime?

So last night was weird...and awesome.

I may have had some alcohols. yeah I said it: alcohols. That's what we're calling many drinks now.

Anywho, I ended up in the care of a friend who happens to manage a very trendy restaurant in the lower east side.  Being the cool industry insider he is, he invited us to join him in visiting his friends who work at "The Box".

I have heard of  "The Box". I know it's a crazy New York club that puts on quite a "show".  I had an idea that I was going see some things that Rick Santorum would prefer were illegal. I was fully prepared to be appalled or disgusted.

Totes Amazeballs

Via the Daily What

So apparently this lovely man (the singer for a band I've never heard of) tweeted a joke about inventing a cereal called "Totes Amazeballs", saying Kellogg's was considering producing it. Kellogg's saw the tweet, and made him a single box of his cereal.

First, I'd like to say that despite not eating carbohydrates for the past 45 days (except for after wine fest, which doesn't count), I would totally buy a box of this. And second, everyone start tweeting your dream cereals at Kellogg's. My requests would include Bluth Cornballers and Grief Bacon Crunch.

Celbrate! It's Biscuit's One Year Anniversary of Having a Life

One good thing about Facebook Timeline is that it’s incredibly easy to locate and identify the date of major milestones in your life, stuff that I would normally search through my gmail for exclamation-point ridden emails to my friends and family announcing major life events, in order to pinpoint the date. Though I certainly don’t use Facebook as honestly or as often as I used to, generally something big like a job change or a new puppy will make it on that damn timeline. And due to the ease of browsing through that timeline, I realized that exactly one year ago today, I commenced my last two weeks at Big Consulting Inc., and was a mere three nights removed from the end of my traveling life.

Now, I know I have written a lot about Consulting. Forgive me; it’s all I’ve known since college. And, fortunately or unfortunately, it’s what I’m still doing today. This morning I was sitting in my status meeting, actually engaged in the conversation, not bitterly hating my life, not so tired I could barely concentrate, and I realized what a difference a year outside of that indentured servitude had made on my life. So, lucky you, I’m going to tell you all about how my life has improved since joining a smaller, local firm. Consider it a(nother) cautionary tale for all those young whippersnappers currently dreaming of a job in the Big 4, wanting to be all sexy like Don Cheadle and our beloved Kristen Bell in House of Lies (I really need to write more on that later). This could also be recruiting material for my new company. Maybe I’ll share it with the recruiters some day. If they give me money for it.

First things first. One year later, I feel like I’m finally recovered from a mental illness I didn’t even realize I had.  I realized this today when, despite not being the person talking in my meeting, nor having my laptop and beloved internet, and not being particularly interested in the information being presented, that I was not obsessively doodling, drawing, or fighting off sleep. I was listening, giving input, and actually being present (sorry for the yoga speak) for the full hour. It was weird.

A symptom of mental illness.

Towards the end of my big Consulting run, I literally could not sit in a meeting without keeping myself occupied in some way. Whether that was taking obsessive notes, filling full pages with my patented cross-hatch OCD pattern (see picture), or slyly playing Sudoku on my phone, there was no “down” time. This habit stuck with me for a while in my new job, and my manager chalked it up to my generational identity (us y-millenials, right?). But I don’t need to do it anymore. Sure, like any normal human I daydream a little, but I’m totally fine with downtime now. It’s probably because I’m not in a full anxiety attack 24 hours a day, as I was before. I’m not counting down the days away from home, or dreading that the other shoe is about to drop (the prevailing management technique in the Big 4 – broadcasting consistent feelings of dread).

Bein Quirky!

I'm late on this, but this "Bein Quirky" sketch from last week is pretty awesome. Kristen Wiig as Bjork: Very Entertaining!

Bonus Bjork:

Happy Friday!

Sorry for my continued absence. I know you're heart broken. I just, well, I was required to do a lot of work this week. It really cut down on blog time. Here's Billy Crystal doing a subdued airplane-overbite jig in honor of Friday. I picked Billy in honor of my our second project: our wedding. You'll get it soon.

Too Soon?

Also, R.I.P. Whitney Houston. The Bodyguard was my favorite movie of all time as a 12 year old.

Image of the Day

Honey boo-boo child and her mother. Toddler's revenge?

Also, this:

Make it all better, Jon Stewart

When I saw the Liz Trotta "what did they expect but to be raped in the military" clip yesterday, I was so angry, and I wished Jon Stewart was there to make it better. I had to wait a day, but he did. Love you Jon.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
V-Jay Jay Day
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

And on the other hand...

I Lurve You

You think this happens every day?

Happy heart day, 12 loyal readers. I lurve you all.

Biscuit without Biscuits: Paleo Adventure Season Finale

If my Paleo Adventure were a weight-loss reality TV series, then Saturday was the Grand Finale Results Show. And you know what, guys? I wasn't the Biggest Loser. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

The four of us met with our Nutrition Lady for final measurements and body fat testing. Here are my results (in terms of difference before and after):

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday y'all! Hope you're brushing up on your sweet dance moves for the big day in November!

Also, bonus gif!

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: Part 2

The scene of the future crime: we're like Minority Report over here.

Something strange is happening to me. I'm crying happy tears about 4 times a day. I mean, I have always been a wedding crier. I cry when I watch 4 Weddings, for god sake. But now, literally every detail of this wedding, when I imagine it in place the day of, is making my eyes well up with tears.

For example: I just listened to a potential DJ's sample mix of 90s-2000s R&B and rap, and cried. It was just so perfect. And the thought of all my best friends and family from the many different parts of my life being in once place, dancing together, and hopefully having a grand old time was just too much for me. Then I realized that I was on the verge of crying tears of joy to a soundrack of Ms. New Booty. Not normal. On the train yesterday I was reading a post  on a practical wedding (my new favorite) about writing our own vows, and I thought about what I'd say to my mister, and I started crying. I feel insane. What is happening to me?

I want all of these

Though I have exactly the amount of rhythm that you'd expect from a 5'9" white girl, everyone knows that my secret dream is to be  professional hip hop dancer. So it's kind of obvious that I would like to surround myself with "how-to's" for the world's greatest dance moves.

Traveling for Work: Not Sexy

This is not what you look like after a 6 AM flight on Monday.

I’m coming up on my 1-year anniversary with my new company, so I’ve been pretty reflective lately on how much my life has improved and changed in such a short period of time. Remember when I wrote about all the things I learned in Consulting? Well, somehow in the course of spilling my guts about the soul-crushing, spirit-killing culture of Big 4 Consulting, I managed not to mention perhaps the single worst part of the job: the 100% travel schedule.

In the course of almost four years with the company, I was staffed in: Orange County CA, Wichita KS, Santa Fe NM (with weeks in Framingham MA, Tampa FL, Vienna VA, Montrovia CA, and of course NYC), and Walnut Creek, CA. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “that sounds awesome! Free trips around the country! Expense accounts!”

But it is not awesome. Traveling for work is NOT like traveling for pleasure. You spend more time in airports than in your own bed. You live in creepy hotels (all hotels are creepy). And let me assure you, a conference room in Hell’s Kitchen, NYC, looks exactly the same as that conference room in your home office. And, think about where offices of large corporations are generally located. Unless you’re really lucky, you’re in an office park just outside of Boston or DC. And the client spends thousands to bring you on site – you’re not leaving that conference room at 5 PM. You’re working until 7 PM on a good night, and you’re not going to see much outside of those office walls. Still not convinced? Here are a few more things that suck about traveling for a living.

You will have no life: Consultancies will tout a 3-4-5 schedule in their recruiting activities. You’ll hear, “you know, I travel for a living, but it’s quite reasonable. We follow a 3-4-5- schedule. That means 3 days on the client site, the fourth night at home, and the 5^th day in your home office.” Meaning, you fly out Monday morning, fly home Thursday night, and are expected to be in your company’s home office on Friday. Sounds reasonable to a young go-getter, straight out of college, right?

Biscuit Plans a Wedding: Part 1

Hi everyone. You can breathe again, I have restored external internet access at work! It was a long, arduous 1.5 days in the office, but I survived and I feel stronger for it.

So, wedding planning. Wow. First of all, let me say that I feel like a complete impostor calling myself a "bride," calling Mr. Good Hair my "fiance," and in general discussing anything wedding related. We've been together for almost four years, lived together for two, and have talked about this seriously for more than a year. But for some reason, I feel like I'm pretending with this whole thing. It's weird. Does it ever start being real?

Anywho, once again perpetuating female stereotypes, I went full type-A on planning last week and did not rest until we had secured a venue we love, on a Saturday, in this calendar year, and not smack dab in the middle of the Holidays. What did that entail? Well, I think I read the entire "here comes the guide" website, opened myself up to the possibility of any affordable venue in Northern California, asked HB to talk me down at least twice, sent my parents approximately 100 emails/day, and called or emailed at least 40 venues. 

Happy Friday!

So, you know what was fun this week? My client installed a security patch that made it impossible for contractors to access the internet! Translation? Most boring week ever.

Supposedly there will be a fix Monday, so cross your fingers for more bits then. In the mean team, enjoy this amazing feat of costumery and coordination. Let this be known: I wouldn't be mad if this showed up at my wedding.

Biscuit Without Biscuits: Paleo Diet Adventure Part 5

Ten days to go.

I'm still not sold on this whole Paleo thing. Yes, my stomach is 100% less bloated. I have been sleeping like a rock (or like a caveman in my cave, as it were). And I think I'm looking slimmer. As an aside, does anyone else have a condition in which they lose two pounds and think they're suddenly Giselle?  I'll consider myself blessed that at times I completely irrationally think I'm as good looking as Beyonce, but what the shit.  My mind is a strange place.

It's Impossible not to like Kristen Bell

I mean... I know that I would love to hate her. But first I read that she had a Hunger Games themed birthday party, and now she's crying over a sloth, and let it be shown on national TV... so how can I not love her?

You may have noticed that I'm MIA today

I bet you were all just sitting there clicking refresh on your browser, hoping for new bits. You were, weren't you!? All 12 of you!

Anyway, the reason I have been MIA today is that all of my procrastination time has been directed towards... drum roll please... wedding planning!

Intrepid Detective Work, Sir

"The ONLY day where:

Yo MTV Raps was on air

It was a clear and smogless day

Beepers were commercially sold

Lakers beat the SuperSonics

and Ice Cube had no events to attend was…

JANUARY 20 1992

Thanks Gawker!

Happy Friday!

For your enjoyment: man-crush Paul Rudd. I'm totally, butt crazy in love with Josh! I mean Paul Rudd.

Texts from Holar: presented without commentary