Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Creepiest Things the Crazy Old Man in your Apartment Can Say to you

There is a crazy old man that lives in the first apartment by the front door of my building. He drinks copious amounts of Old English 40s and pushes a creaking shopping cart around the neighborhood. Last weekend I saw him wheeling a four foot tall stuffed dog sculpture (not taxidermy-ed, thank god) towards our building.

He really likes to talk to us. His voice kind of sounds like a spanish accented, high pitched, Mr. Rogers. I know that he is probably lonely so I generally oblige him, but always keep walking. You must keep moving or you will be trapped. He often says things that are just so creepy that I put the chain on when I get into my apartment. I mean no ill-will, it's just that sometimes I'm afraid he wants to make a skin suit with me. Here are the top 6 (please read these in your best, high-pitched-spanish-accented-mr. rogers voice):

6. "Creaaaaaaak....creaaaaaaaak.....creaaaaaaaaak" - sound of his shopping cart through the dark, foggy night
5. "I have a tiger statue that I want to place in front of my door but I'm afraid your dogs might be scared as they are also animals. Do you think the tiger animal statue would scare your dogs?"
4. "HOW DID YOU DO THAT!!!!?" - in reference to my pulling my car into the parking spot in the garage
3. "Thank you for living here!"
2. "You're preeeeeeeeetttttttttyyyyyyy." - said from the corner of the dark garage
1. "You have beautiful skin!" - said as I was walking in from a workout

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